Des fantômes, du courage, et de l'envie d'en finir

The first time he considered killing himself was three weeks into moving in with her.

 

They were engaged to be married. He did his best to be proper.

He had met her sister, her mother, and her father.

None of them approved of her:

Lifestyle

Decision

Proposal

 

None of them welcomed him into the family.

Her parents didn’t come to their wedding.

Her sister made a scene at their wedding.

 

She had complicated ties to her family, and he was marrying into her complications.

 

She had come to visit him in his country. When she proposed, he was busy.

She took him by surprise. “Are you serious?” he replied. She didn’t seem crazy.

She went on and on and on to tell him how much she had been missing

The feeling she felt when she was being chased by him. She admitted regretting

 

All these times she had let him go, ghosting him.

Several years had passed, she couldn’t forget him.

She had dated other guys: nothing compared to him.

 

She had gotten a ring, from a fancy shop that reminded her

Of the kind of lifestyle she wanted to have, next to him

“I could totally live here!” she said, tossing her

Hair with her hand, as if someone was filming.

 

“No, you couldn’t.” he wanted to reply, but he didn’t.

He didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Besides, he wouldn’t

Tell her anything nasty.

She was a rebound.

He knew it. She knew it. And still: she had gone all the way to get a ring.

He was confused. He felt ashamed. All he wanted was another.

She knew about her. She said it didn’t matter.

 

The first woman still mattered to him, but the rebound woman was into him.

 

The rebound woman was the only woman he had ever met from online dating.

They had exchanged heartfelt messages. He fancied her writing.

They had met one evening. The conversation and alcohol were flowing.

They kissed. He loved everything. She told him she too fancied their thing.

 

And then she ghosted him.

 

He sent her a few messages, related to their time spent together, on that evening.

He shut down his online dating profile, so he would not be tempted to keep looking.

He wanted her to know that he meant what he said before they ended up kissing.

 

And the other woman kept ghosting.

 

He moved on, heartbroken, promising himself he would never fall again for that sort of scheme.

The rebound woman had stylish writing, impeccable smile, and a gaze that said she wanted him

 

And yet, she ghosted him.

 

After a while, he kissed and loved other people. They reminded him of her, so he kept missing her.

He could not reconcile the ease with which she pretended he didn’t exist, with her

Gaze

Words

Attitude

When they were together, in person, that one evening.

 

What is wrong with me?

How could she?

What am I missing?

 

These questions were unanswered, since the other woman chose to ghost him.

All he could do and did was imagining she thought the worst of him.

 

Eventually, he decided to go back to his country.

If even she could ghost, why stick around ici?

 

Before he packed up his things, he thought he would try to say farewell

To his first girlfriend, aka the ghosting queen.

 

When they met, he was already an adult, but he was still in his teen.

She was a few years older. She looked like she was coming out of a dream.

He had been careful not to kiss a woman before. He wanted to keep it for his queen.

She danced in front of him and sent a friend to ask his friend if he fancied what he had seen.

 

His answer was plain simple:

“Did you fall from heaven?

My whole life, tell me: where have you been?

Yes, I do fancy what I see.

Would you like to dance with me?”

 

Straightforward as it was, they danced, talked a little, and eventually kissed.

She seemed to have as much of a good time as he did.

He was smitten.

She took his number.

 

And then she ghosted him.

 

He couldn’t send her a message: he assumed she would call him, so he didn’t bother asking

For a way to contact her as well. He spent the following days, dreaming.

 

He remembered her, dancing.

He remembered them, dancing, talking, kissing.

He remembered himself, hoping.

 

And then he realized she was ghosting.

 

He wrote about her in his journal.

He wrote to her in his journal.

He wrote to his friends about her.

 

And then he realized she was still ghosting.

 

He returned to the place where they met, hoping to bump into her.

He went with his friends, and when his friends said they didn’t want to look for her

He started going around the place where they met, alone, only to go home, without her.

 

He moved on, heartbroken, promising himself he would never fall again for that sort of scheme.

The first woman he kissed had lovely eyes and voice, and both a kiss and a gaze that told him

She was into him.

 

And yet, she ghosted him.

 

One evening, after getting drunk at the place where they had met, he picked up

One random woman

Who could pass, i.e. that he could imagine himself loving, given his level of messed up

 

The random woman was twice his age.

The random woman was kind and had a partner who was overseas and wouldn’t mind.

The random woman took him to her place.

 

He slept with the random woman, feeling awful.

 

The next morning, he left while she was still sleeping.

 

He left,

Thinking about the first woman he ever kissed, leaving the first woman with whom he ever slept,

Feeling awful.

 

After a while, as he kept his mouth shut and his pants on trying to get better

He randomly bumped into the first woman he ever kissed.

 

She approached him, softly, with a gaze and smile that said she wanted:

Another kiss

Another dance

Another shot

 

He was confused.

He was ecstatic.

He was smitten.

 

She was prettier than he had remembered.

He wanted her more than he did on the night that they had met.

She did not apologize for ghosting. He didn’t ask her to.

 

He only cared about the fact that she was there, in front of him, and that she still wanted:

Another kiss

Another dance

Another shot

 

They went on to kiss and dance.

They got another shot.

He was committed to her.

She kept dating other people.

 

She told him it wasn’t cheating since they were never together.

It was her way of saying she liked him, but he didn’t really matter.

 

She gave him STDs.

She slept with other people in his bed while he was gone.

She cancelled some plans last minute.

She cancelled other plans three hours later, by simply not showing up.

She chatted with her ex on his laptop while he was at school.

She kissed other people while he was at work.

 

She treated him like utmost garbage, and he kept saying: I’m hurt, but

Could I have another kiss?

Could we spend another night?

Could you share another meal?

 

In this spirit, several years later, after the soon-to-be rebound woman ghosted him for real

He thought to himself: why not?

I’m going back to my country, why not take a shot

 

At another meal with the first woman I ever kissed and loved?

 

She picked up the phone, this time.

She said she’d like to show him a place that she fancied.

She showed up, this time.

She said she was coming out of a committed long-term relationship with a man she didn’t love.

 

She stared at him, all through the meal, with her smile and gaze that meant what they knew.

 

By then, they had history together.

By then, she had set up gazillion expectations she didn’t fulfill, he remembered.

By then, they had spent enough evenings together for him to fully remember:

Her kisses

Her songs

Her gaze when it’s all over

 

He wanted more of that gaze, so when she said: “Come on over!”

He only replied with a smile, and went over.

 

After that night, she said she felt torn: she wanted to be with him, but he was about to return

To his country

Far, far, far away from her.

 

She cried.

She held him tight.

She said she wanted to commit and would go long-distance with him.

 

Nobody, apparently, had been able to make her sing the way she sang when he was around.

 

They went long-distance.

He spent all his money on her.

They talked on the phone.

He came back to see her, over and over.

 

One day, she didn’t pick up.

That day, he called her brother.

 

That’s when he learned that she was doing it again.

Ghosting him.

Cheating on him.

Telling him she was physical and needed someone to love her.

 

That’s when he realized that she was doing it again.

Ghosting him.

Cheating on him.

Not apologizing for one bit for the way she treated her lover.

 

He took half the money that was left in his savings, jumped on a flight, got to her door.

It was cold outside. She let him in.

He told her she had better stop pretending she didn’t love him.

She took him around her place. She showed him how sad and lonely she was without him.

 

She stared at him, with her smile and gaze that meant what they knew.

They did what they did, and when it was all over

She said: “I don’t love you anymore. Please leave.”

 

So, he left and returned to his country.

That’s when the rebound woman came back and bought him a piece of jewellery.

 

That’s when he thought:

1. She is serious: she wants to commit

2. She is serious: she spent money on me

3. She is serious: she would be willing to move into my country, for me

 

That’s when he analyzed their situation, and concluded:

1. She cannot live in my country: she doesn’t speak the language

2. She cannot live in my country: she has no idea what it’s like to live in my country, for real

3. She is serious, and I said yes, but she cannot live in my country: I will follow her in hers

 

He dropped everything.

He moved into her country.

He met her family.

 

And then he realized, less than a month in, that all that rebound woman was about was the idea

Of marrying a man from his country.

 

That’s the first time he considered killing himself, realizing

That he should have found the courage to break the heart of the woman who ghosted him

Instead of using her as a rebound to get over another woman who ghosted him

And assume that a ring was enough of a sign of someone willing to commit to him

And actually love him.

 

Lucky for him, the rebound woman had extended benefits

Lucky for him, thanks to her extended benefits, he was able to start therapy

Lucky for him, he didn't do what he felt like doing, because his friends were around

And his shrink understood him and looked like he could be his brother, or his father

 

A ghost for a ghost for a ghost

Courage is courage is courage

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